Esca Wars
by Circular Infinity
Summary: EscaflowneStar Wars parody basically taking Escaflowne characters and placing in the No, Luke. I am your father scene. Major spoilers for Escaflowne. Rated a strong PG13 for language.


OK, so here's my attempt at parody fanfic. Most of it is Escaflowne and   
  
Star Wars but there is the occasional Ranma Half reference. Don't worry if you haven't   
  
seen Ranma, it's not that important. This is written in script form, it's pretty obvious  
  
what the dialogue is, the narrative is in these brackets [ ] and commentary and other   
  
stuff is in these brackets { }. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure it out on your own,   
  
but I thought I'd come right out and say it.   
  
There are major spoilers for Escaflowne throughout the entire piece, read  
  
at your own risk. Rated a strong PG-13 for language, but nothing I haven't heard  
  
in movies.   
  
Tell me what you think. If you want. And you can tell me it was really   
  
stupid if you so desire. Don't worry.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Star Wars", "Escaflowne" or "Ranma Half". This is   
  
intended for fun and in no way intended for profit. All copyrights belong to their respective owners.   
  
{OK, here we go...}  
  
An undetermined amount of time on a planet kinda adjacent to Earth.....  
  
Last time on Esca Wars:  
  
Allen Schezar-walker had downloaded a video for his current events class   
  
and realized that his friends Van Solo and Hitomi Organa, along with Van's copilot Merle,   
  
had gone to Cloud-Floating-Thing City where Dilandau Vader had captured them. Allen   
  
traveled to Cloud-Floating-Thing City and found Van's ship-melef parked on the third level   
  
of the parking garage. Judging from the large number of parking tickets Allen deduced   
  
that X-caflowne must have been there for quite some time. He parked his Y-Scherazade   
  
on the top layer of the garage and left his droid, Natal, to watch that ship-melef and add  
  
coins to the parking meter when the time ran out.   
  
  
  
We rejoin our intrepid, and well groomed, hero as he enters Cloud-Floating-Thing City.  
  
[Allen Schezar-walker is finding his way through the corridors of Cloud-Floating-Thing City,   
  
pauses to wonder why he has such a dumb last name and continues onward. Suddenly   
  
Dilandau Vader steps out of the shadows. {cue music..... I don't know, something appropriate........   
  
You know, Spielberg may have been a part of the original movie, but this isn't Jurassic Park......   
  
OK, now my brain is conjuring up images of little, hopping, bunny rabbits, but, um.......} Allen   
  
and Dilandau exchange appropriate insults, one thing leads to another and after the matter of   
  
person hygiene is brought up, energist-sabers are drawn and the fight begins.   
  
The two are evenly matched until suddenly Dilandau employs his special-secret attack of The   
  
Deadly Spinning Bandana. Allen is taken off guard by this fiendish attack and cannot dodge  
  
in time. The lower part of his hair is caught by The Deadly Spinning Bandana and is sliced  
  
right off!!!! {oh boy}. Dilandau takes advantage of Allen's stunned surprise and disarms him.]  
  
  
  
Dilandau: Ha! I have you now, Allen Schezar-walker.  
  
  
  
Allen: No! My hair!  
  
Dilandau: Um, yeah. Anyway... I have you now, but before I deal with you,  
  
there is one thing you must know.  
  
Allen: It took me a long time to grow my hair that long and now look what you've  
  
done.  
  
Dilandau: Could we possibly get back to the point?  
  
Allen: Fine. Whatever. [muttering] Dumb fanfic writer, chopping off my hair.  
  
Don't they realize that it's an integral part of my character....?  
  
Dilandau: Obi-wan Balgus never told you what happened to your father.  
  
Allen: [still muttering] Maybe I should sue.......  
  
  
  
Dilandau: ALLEN!  
  
  
  
Allen: [snapping out of it.] Oh, right. [clears his throat.] He told enough! He told  
  
me that that had met some girl and left his entire family for the express purpose of looking for  
  
her, (which is really perverted when you think about it, I mean his own kids were about eleven   
  
and five and he goes off to the ends of the galaxy looking for some girl who looks like she's   
  
about thirteen,) and this 'quest' brings him to Hoth where Zaibach's Imperial Dragon-Slayers  
  
found him and proceeded to try to get information from him, but he wouldn't talk and this   
  
resulted in this death.  
  
[Pause.]  
  
Dilandau: OK, so he did tell you, but that's not really the point. Allen Schezar-  
  
walker - {cue intensely dramatic music} - I am your sister.  
  
Allen: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!............ Wait, no way.  
  
Dilandau: No, really, I am.  
  
Allen: Yeah, right. This is me we're talking about. I think I know a woman  
  
when I see one.  
  
Dilandau: Why can't you just accept this on faith? You do all the time in the   
  
series.  
  
  
  
Allen: Yeah, so? In case you hadn't noticed, this is a fanfic. We're   
  
both severely out of character.  
  
Dilandau: So? That doesn't change the fact that I'm really your sister.  
  
Emperor Dornkirk changed me.  
  
Allen: How?  
  
Dilandau: I'm not entirely sure. Apparently at one point he was considering   
  
using on the of those water based gender-changing curses, but then he realized that   
  
destiny is WAY more permanent.  
  
Allen: And all this time the writer had me thinking that Hitomi was   
  
going to turn out to be my sister.  
  
  
  
Dilandau: Hitomi? Why?  
  
Allen: Well, she had the pendant thing that my father carried around....  
  
  
  
Dilandau: So? They sell those all over the place. And anyway, Dad  
  
gave his away to the chick he was chasing.  
  
Allen: Oh, for Christsake.  
  
Dilandau: What do you expect?  
  
[They both shrug.]  
  
Both: Fanfic.  
  
Allen: Hang on, if you're my sister and not Hitomi that means she's  
  
available after all.  
  
Dilandau: Wait, what?  
  
Allen: And all this time I haven't done anything because I thought she   
  
was my sister.  
  
Dilandau: Allen.....  
  
  
  
Allen: All right! It's time to put on the charm.  
  
[He starts to dig in his pockets for his mirror.]  
  
Dilandau: ........  
  
{Or, alternatively:}  
  
Darth Folken: Obi-wan Balgus never told you what happened to your brother...  
  
Van Skyflyer: Of course he didn't. No one knows exactly what happened. We   
  
can only assume that he was killed fighting an AT&T walker ten years ago. [ very angsty]   
  
Those damn phone companies.  
  
Folken: Oh, right. Well, hang on just a minute.  
  
[He starts to unfasten the tiny hooks on his shirt.]  
  
  
  
Van: What are you doing?  
  
Folken: [muttering to himself] Goddamn new uniforms. I told them I wanted   
  
Velcro, but nooooo...  
  
[Folken is still unhooking his shirt. The Jeopardy theme starts playing and Van is   
  
starting to look rather bored. Folken finally finishes and takes off his shirt.]  
  
Van: Oh, God. First bad writing and now fan service too?  
  
[Folken unfurls his wings.]  
  
Van: Wait, you have wings? But that would mean..... um...... {insert sound   
  
of gears grinding}   
  
[A few minutes later.]  
  
Folken: I'm your brother.  
  
Van: You're my brother?!  
  
Folken: Well, duh. I didn't think I was going to have to spell it out for   
  
you this much.  
  
Van: How was I supposed to know? I thought you were dead.   
  
Folken: Oh come on, think about it. Look at the evidence. I have   
  
the exact same name as your brother, I'm the age he would be, I look a lot like   
  
him and I have wings.   
  
Van: Hey, it's not my job to be smart. I'm just supposed to stand   
  
somewhere and look cool.   
  
  
  
Folken: No, that's Dilandau's job.  
  
Van: Then stand there and look pretty.  
  
Folken: That's Allen's job.  
  
Van: Then what's my job?  
  
Folken: I'm not sure. I think you may have been originally intended   
  
to be the romantic interest for the main character.  
  
Van: But how can that be? Hitomi and I haven't even hugged yet,   
  
never mind kissed.  
  
Folken: I don't know, but don't hold your breath for the kiss, 'cause   
  
that ain't gonna happen.   
  
[Pause]   
  
  
  
Van: My job sucks.  
  
Folken: Yeah. Say, why don't join forces and rule the galaxy together.   
  
Screw this prescribed plot thing. I think we'll be able to get away with it.   
  
Fanfic is always fucked up.   
  
Van: Yeah, let's go.   
  
[They start to walk off together.]  
  
Van: Though you really need to get a new uniform. That was really   
  
boring waiting for you.  
  
Folken: Yeah, but I look so cool the rest of the time. I mean look at   
  
you, you've been wearing a red shirt since you were five years old. No wonder   
  
they didn't pick you to be cool or pretty.  
  
Van: Hey!  
  
{Or even:}  
  
Girl with pinwheel: No, I am your grandmother.  
  
[Hitomi runs forward and throws her arms around the other girl.]  
  
Hitomi: Grandmother!  
  
{Or not.....} 


End file.
